


Four Years and a Countdown

by SuddenSweetly



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29738859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuddenSweetly/pseuds/SuddenSweetly
Summary: Steve loved Bucky, and he was genuinely happy his friend had found someone he trusted, someone who made his day brighter, and someone with whom he did the same. Steve also loved her, and if she chose Bucky, he wasn’t going to fight that.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Kudos: 44





	Four Years and a Countdown

**Author's Note:**

> This is for syntheticavenger‘s 500 followers lyric challenge (follow her on tumblr!). I picked the lyric “loving you is a losing game,” from the song Arcade by Duncan Lawrence. 
> 
> This is technically an x Reader fic, though it’s told in third person for numerous reasons, the main one being there are two potential “Readers.” You can pretend which one you want to be. Or you can be both idgaf.

**YEAR ONE**

Steve fell in love with her the moment she walked into the training room, and it was like a punch to the gut. He hadn’t felt a pull like that since Peggy. It was pure magnetism, the attraction he felt for her. It took all he had to not stare at her during orientation, when he gave one of his famous motivational speeches for the new recruits.

Her eyes glinted at him the entire time, mischief hiding behind them, like a cat ready to pounce. 

_She’s gonna give me a hard time_ , Steve lamented.

She was a new recruit for SHIELD, freshly graduated from college where she studied History with a focus on World War 2 military tactics. Steve didn’t know that was even a thing, but Sam told him people can study almost anything these days.

“You could say I’m a bit of a fan,” she smiled when he introduced himself to her for the first time, that playful spark in her eyes. “I spent four years learning about you, but don’t worry, I won’t make things weird. I promise.”

She was true to her world. Steve never felt overwhelmed by her like his fans tended to do. He never caught her looking at him from the corner of her eye. He knew because he was always looking from the corner of his. She kept a polite distance from him, only infringing on his space when she needed help with training and no other trainer was available. For once, he was disappointed someone respected his space.

She wasn’t the best fighter, but she was also recruited to be more of a tactician, and where she lacked in physical prowess, she made up for in strategy. Her great shining moment was successfully taking down the biggest and strongest guy in her group. She noticed he put more weight on his right leg when he punched, so after dodging what was sure to be a devastating blow, she kicked the back of his knee, and he stumbled forward, his weight bringing him down.

“Good fight,” she smiled and offered her arm. 

He accepted with a friendly grin and practically brought her down in an attempt to pull himself up.

“Oh god, I definitely would have died if that punch landed,” she said between giggles.

“Nah, though it might’ve scrambled that smart brain of yours.” He patted her back and looked for another sparring partner.

“Impressive,” Steve said, and she jumped a little, not realizing he was there.

“Steve!” she squeaked. “I mean, Captain, sir?”

“I told you, Steve is fine.” He offered her a warm smile, and she relaxed. 

“Well I gotta fight smarter, not harder. It’s only fair, these muscles could tear a phonebook in half.” She patted her arm, which was toned, but still slim.

***

He found himself making excuses to talk to her, and she always welcomed his company. An easy friendship formed, her presence relentlessly comforting. They had their moments together- quiet conversations between just the two of them, walks through the compound when they had a free moment, the occasional lunch during training days. He especially enjoyed sitting with her when he returned from a mission, able to relax and come down from the adrenaline that frequently persisted after.

The team successfully stopped a small terrorist organization in Eastern Europe, and while there were no major injuries, Steve still felt antsy when he returned. The moments where he could fight felt most at home, and when that was gone, he was left feeling out of place again.

He found her in the SHIELD rec room and asked if she wanted to take a walk.

They stopped outside and sat under a tree. She fiddled with a fallen leaf, and turned to him.

“I know you get asked this a lot, but-”

“How does it feel to be in the modern world?” He smiled at her, eyebrow slightly raised.

“You’d think after 4 years of learning about you, I’d have something more original to ask. Sorry, I don’t want to make things weird. You don’t need to answer.” She was sweet like that, considerate.

Steve chuckled. “You’re fine, don’t sweat it.”

He thought for a moment. Despite answering this question a lot, he never knew how to describe the feeling. How could he possibly put into words the feelings of loss on a scale unimaginable. It wasn’t just the people he missed, it was everything: the sounds, the sights, even the smells, it was all different.

He often gave simple answers, enough to sate the person asking, but never anything deeper. 

“It was difficult,” he said at last.

“I don’t know how that must feel. To wake up and the life you had, the world as you understood it, gone- only memories to some, words in a history book to others.”

“Yeah,” Steve sighed, but quickly added “But it’s not all bad. Advancements in medicine, better tech, people are more accepting-”

He felt her put a warm hand on his shoulder and he looked at her. 

“You don’t need to be strong all the time,” she paused. “It’s okay to feel like you lost part of yourself along the way.”

Steve thought about it for a moment, and what she said felt right, like she found the words that completed the puzzle of his own thoughts and feelings. 

“That’s actually a good way to describe it. Like I lost part of me when I woke up.”

They held each other’s gaze for a moment, the comfortable silence between them was warm. Familiar. 

He didn’t feel so alone with her.

***

“You should ask her out before someone else does,” Nat told him one day.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Steve tried to sound casual, but the slight crack in his voice gave him away.

Nat only smirked at him before she walked off.

“Aren’t you the leading authority on waiting too long?” she called over her shoulder. 

He was, and he knew he needed to make a move when he was no longer in charge of her training. 

***

She graduated from the training program in the Fall, top of her group for strategy, leadership, and tactics. She barely scraped by in combat. 

“I didn’t really want to punch people anyway,” she told Steve at the small party to celebrate the new agents. “I want to tell other people to punch people.”

“So you want to be bossy?”

“Hey now, Captain. You don’t get to call me bossy when you’ve spent the last nine months ordering me to do push ups.”

“Fair enough.” Steve gave a low chuckle and looked down. “Hey, if you’re not busy-”

“Steve.” Sam rushed towards him, his normally jovial eyes were stone set- serious. 

“We need to go to Romania.”

“Why?” 

“Bucky’s been spotted.”

**YEAR TWO**

In the months trailing after Bucky and finally convincing his friend to join the Avengers, Steve didn’t talk to her as much as he would have liked. It was Spring when he felt comfortable enough to leave Bucky on his own for at least a few days at a time. The other Avengers and agents were still weary of him, but Shuri had assured them his programming had been completely wiped. 

It didn’t stop the nightmares though, and while every room was soundproofed to a degree, his guttural and agonized screams could be heard down the hall. Tony had to add extra soundproofing to his room so he wouldn’t wake people at night.

Despite that, Bucky assured his oldest friend that he didn’t need him to be around every hour of the day, and so Steve was ready to pick up where he left off, hoping she was still available. Nat told him she was, much to his relief. 

But when he walked into the training room, new recruits ready to start, he saw her talking to Bucky, who was leaning against the wall, a smirk on his lips as he joked around with her. Steve knew when he was flirting, and he was definitely flirting. 

She was flirting back. 

_Hard._

The mischievous glint in her eyes that he had come to love shone from across the room, and her posture was both shy and inviting, as though she was beckoning Bucky closer by drawing herself inward. 

“It might not be too late,” Nat said when she looked at the same scene Steve was. “They just met. You always said Bucky was a flirt.”

“ _Was_ … He’s not entirely himself these days,” Steve murmured. 

Bucky glanced over and saw Steve. He nodded in acknowledgement and squeezed her arm in a goodbye before he walked over to the blonde man.

“Meeting the agents?” Steve asked, hoping he didn’t sound too eager for information.

“Yeah. She’s uh… she’s something.” Bucky smiled the shy smile he did when he really liked a girl.

Steve knew he lost her that day.

***

Bucky got closer to her in the weeks that followed. They were almost inseparable. She was largely the reason the rest of the team felt more at ease around the brunette supersoldier. She was generally well liked, and though they all trusted Steve, they knew he had a blind spot for his best friend.

She wasn’t biased, so if she could feel comfortable around the infamous Winter Soldier, so could others. She also brought out the best in him. The once surly and distant soldier opened up with her help. He smiled more, laughed more, and was more relaxed. At peace. 

Steve was happy his friend was healing, and it did well to dampen the feeling of disappointment in himself for not acting sooner. But threads of it still lingered, and he felt like a shit friend for it.

Bucky’s friendship with her bloomed, and everyone either thought they should date or were already dating.

In an almost poetic gesture from the universe, it didn’t become official until Winter.

Bucky’s screams could be heard down the hall. His room was being renovated, so he stayed in a spare room that wasn’t soundproofed as heavily. He still had night terrors, but they were never so violent as they were that night. Steve was worried Bucky would actually rupture his vocal chords. He was running down the hall as soon as the screaming started, rushing to his friend’s side. 

“Buck! You’re okay!” Steve yelled, hoping the others hadn’t woken up.

“Is he okay?” He heard her voice over the gut wrenching screams. She looked out of breath and her eyes were groggy with sleep. She must’ve ran over as soon as she heard.

“Stay back,” Steve grunted, dodging a punch and trying to hold his friend down.

She didn’t listen and rushed to help. Before Steve could order her to stay back, her hands were on Bucky’s face.

“Bucky!” She said between his screams so she didn’t need to raise her voice at him. “Hey, Bucky, it’s okay. You’re not in that room. You’re _home_. You’re safe.” She told him over and over and she caressed his face, tilting him up so his wild eyes could focus on her.

Bucky stopped moving, his eyes finally focused on the woman above him. 

He whispered her name and she smiled at him, shy and sweet. “Yeah it’s me.”

Bucky looked at her like she was the sun, the only shivering light in his cold world. Had either of them looked at Steve, they’d have seen him looking at her the same.

But then Bucky gently grasped her face with the metal hand nearly everyone feared and pulled her down where he kissed her. It was a soft kiss, gentle, and quick.

It still ripped Steve’s heart out all the same.

They parted and stared into each other’s eyes, a mutual look of fulfilled longing.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a really long time,” Bucky laughed, breathy and with a softness Steve thought was gone. 

“Same,” she returned the look of adoration.

Bucky looked at Steve, as if remembering he was there. “Oh uh…” 

Her face was flushed, either from the kiss or from embarrassment. Perhaps both.

Steve swallowed the lump in his throat.

“It’s about time.” And he gave his friend a genuine grin.

**YEAR THREE**

Steve loved Bucky, and he was genuinely happy his friend had found someone he trusted, someone who made his day brighter, someone with whom he did the same. Steve also loved her. And if she chose Bucky, he wasn’t going to fight that. 

So he pushed aside his broken heart and watched the attraction grow into love between two people he loved for very different reasons. 

He’d catch himself looking at them, brows knit in longing when they cuddled on a couch during chilly spring mornings or sneaked a kiss when they thought no one was looking. 

“They’re good together,” Steve said when he felt Nat walk up beside him as they both watched the new couple cook dinner in the common room’s kitchen. “They deserve each other. I’m happy-”

“You’re allowed to be sad, Steve,” Nat said. “It wasn’t meant to be with her, but there’s someone for you out there. I’ll die trying to find her.”

Steve chuckled through his heartbreak.

“I just… never felt so drawn to someone since Peggy,” Steve finally said out loud. “I don’t think it’s going to happen again.” 

“You’re actually every other woman’s dream man. I think you’ll be okay,” Nat laughed. “But, that doesn’t mean you can’t mourn her.”

Mourning someone who was still alive. Steve knew that feeling well, his mind drifting to a woman who lived a life she was quickly forgetting. 

***

It was Summer when she ran into Steve, quite literally.

“Oof,” She grunted as she bounced off him after colliding into his chest. He didn’t even budge a little.

“Woah, sorry,” he helped her up and she smiled at him.

“Nope, it was my fault. I should’ve been looking. You’re like a brick wall, holy shit.”

Steve smiled. She and him still talked, still enjoyed each other’s company, but he did see her less often than he used to. He missed her, and that scared him.

Will he ever get over her?

“I was looking for you, actually!” She beamed up at him.

“Oh really?” Steve quirked an eyebrow at her. 

“Yeah! I have something for you and Bucky! He’s waiting in the kitchen, come on.”

She grabbed his arm and started to pull him away before she stopped, “Oh shoot, sorry, do you need to be somewhere?”

“Only wherever you want go.”

“Great!” and she continued to lead him to the kitchen.

“You have any idea what this is about?” Bucky asked when they arrived.

“Not the faintest clue.”

“Okay, close your eyes!” She said as she reached into the bag on the counter. “Oh wait, I forgot I wrapped it. Nevermind you can open your eyes.”

Bucky laughed and grabbed her hand, giving it a small kiss. 

“Here!”

She presented a small box, delicately wrapped in blue with silver ribbon.

“We’re supposed to share this?” Bucky asked.

“Just open it,” she said with excited impatience. 

“You want to do the honor?” Bucky said and handed the box to Steve.

Her elbows were planted on the counter and she rested her face in her hands, looking up at the both of them, waiting for their reactions. 

Steve unwrapped the box and opened it. He tilted his head, taking a moment to register what he was seeing.

“What is it?” Bucky asked, and the blond set the box between them.

The brunette picked up one of the chains, the dog tags dangling on it were dented and weathered.

“Jim Morita,” he read. 

They quickly pulled out the other ones, and sure enough, every member of the Howling Commandos came up.

They both looked at her incredulously and her smile was never wider. 

“Babe, what did you do?”

“Aren’t these supposed to be at the Smithonian?”

Both supersoldiers said at the same time.

She laughed. “Yep, and now they’re here.”

“Did you steal them?” Bucky had to ask.

“Yes, I committed a crime.”

They both balked at her.

“No, I didn’t,” she laughed. “I asked the museum and they gave them to me.”

“They just handed them over?”

“I asked a lot. I wanted to see if I could wear down their spirits and it worked.” Her grin was wide, proud of herself. “Also, Tony might have given them a sizable donation if they gave them to me to shut me up about them, so there’s that.”

“This is,” Steve started.

“Amazing,” Bucky ended. 

"I told the museum curator these should be with the people closest to them while they were in service," she said. "But you should really thank Tony. I wouldn't have been able to get them with him."

Steve was floored. He could remember his friends' faces like yesterday, because to him, it wasn't too long ago he was fighting along side them. 

He looked at the tags, then at Bucky, and he could tell he felt the same way. It was like they were all together again.

“I’m not entirely sure how you’ll go about sharing them. Maybe you can just pick whoever you were closest to. Or maybe you can do what my parents did and you get them every other week, and half the holidays. I won’t judge.” She winked at them, and before she could leave Bucky pulled her in for a gentle kiss.

“What on earth did I do to deserve you,” he said.

Steve looked away, instead fixing his gaze on the tags below him.

She was making it incredibly hard to get over her.

**YEAR FOUR**

Bucky proposed in the spring, and she said yes.

Steve nursed a beer at the engagement party, not that he needed to. It wasn’t going to help him either way.

“How are you holding up?” Nat asked.

“I’m doing great. Really. They’re perfect for each other.”

“They are,” Nat murmured. “I guess there’s no point in dwelling on it.”

“Trust me, I know. But you don’t just get over a woman like her-”

“Steve-” Nat said but he kept going.

“-Especially since I’ve loved her for so long.”

“Steve.” The redhead said more firmly, and looked past his shoulder. She was standing there, eyes round.

“Shit.” Steve groaned.

“I’m gonna congratulate Bucky…” Nat said and walked off, giving the two the privacy they needed.

“I-if I knew, I wouldn’t have-” 

“Please don’t feel bad. I’m really happy for the both of you. You two are good together. Perfect, actually,” Steve said, a bit too quickly. “You were able to bring the old Buck back. I couldn’t even do that. So please believe me, I am happy.”

Her eyes began to water. 

“Steve, you’re a wonderful person. I hope you know that.”

He laughed, but her words didn’t lessen the weight in his bleeding heart.

“At the graduation party, you were trying to ask me out.” She realized, a pained look on her face.

Steve nodded.

“Shit, I didn’t know. I thought you were going to ask something work related. I’m so sorry-”

“You have no reason to be. You chose him, and I wasn’t going to get in the way of that. I wanted to at times,” he confessed. “But I couldn’t forgive myself if I did.”

He sighed, a sad smile on his face.

”Besides... **loving you is a losing game**. You wouldn’t happy with me, not like you are with him. I love Bucky, and I love you. If either one of you weren’t happy, I couldn’t be either.”

Tear welled in her eyes and she pulled him in for a hug, which he quietly accepted.

***

They had been engaged for six months, and each day, it got easier for Steve. He saw their love, their happiness, and it helped him get over his pain. He couldn’t be what she needed, and he knew that.

Winter chilled New York with December coming to an end. Tony insisted on having lavish parties, New Years Eve being one of the biggest. 

“You gotta welcome the new year with some pizazz!” he said as his assistant ordered ten crates of champagne. 

Dressed in a dark blue button down that Nat insisted brought out the color in his eyes, and black slacks, Steve held a beer as the music blared and people became more and more cheery as alcohol took its hold. 

He saw her across the room, her hand entwined with Bucky’s and they laughed with Sam about something.

For the first time since he knew her, Steve didn’t feel longing. He only felt gratitude for knowing her and all the good she brought into the world. It felt as though a weight was lifted off his chest.

Bucky caught his eye from across the room and nodded in acknowledgement, a smile plastered on his face, and Steve lifted his beer in a silent cheer. 

With minutes left before the new year, Steve stepped onto the balcony overlooking New York City. 

There, he saw a woman leaning on the railing, her eyes gazing over the lights below. 

“It’s pretty amazing up here,” Steve said.

“Oh shit,” she said, dropping the crystal champagne glass over the balcony, where it shattered on the deck below. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Steve grimaced, never quite shedding the punk from Brooklyn who couldn’t talk to women.

“No no, it’s uh, it’s fine!” She said and smoothed her hands over the simple but elegant dress she wore. It hugged her body well, showing off her delicate curves. “That glass probably cost more than my rent…”

“I thought Stark Industries paid well?”

“Oh they do! But I’m a teacher. I’m Ted’s plus one. He works in accounting.”

“Don’t couples usually kiss at Midnight?”

“Oh, we’re not dating. I’m here because his boyfriend is overseas for business.”

“Ah,” he said before a beat of silence. “I hear teachers don’t make a lot.” He mentally kicked himself. Of all the things to comment on... 

“Oh they definitely don’t. Especially elementary. I teach third grade. But hey, I don’t do it for the money.”

“Teaching kids has to be tough.” Steve remembered how energetic he and Bucky could be in grade school, much to their frazzled teachers’ exasperation.

“It definitely can be, but… my second grade teacher changed my life. I didn’t have the best home life, not to get too personal. But she was there for me. She continued to help me, and she’s the reason I ever made it out. I want to be able to do that.”

“That sounds incredibly noble of you.”

She giggled, and Steve could feel his face getting hotter at the sound.

“Well, I’m not exactly saving the world from aliens every other year, but I try. And hey, even if I don’t change anyone’s life as significantly as Ms. Sanders changed mine, I still taught kids how to multiply and divide, and I think that makes me a hero.”

“Oh right. My grade school teacher taught me that.”

“And look where you are now.”

“All because of math.”

“I’m sure math was used to make that serum. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.”

“You’re not wrong, math was indeed used to make the serum.”

“Well see, I _am_ a hero then.”

“I never doubted that.”

They laughed quietly, and Steve found himself comfortable in her presence.

He wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything. The sounds of people cheering and starting to count down saved him.

10.

“I’d make out with you, but I dunno if that would- 

9.

-be considered vandalizing a national treasure.”

8.

“Oh god, I don’t know why I said that.”

7.

“We can blame the champagne I didn’t drink because it fell over the balcony,” She said quickly with a panicked voice. 

6.

“I did have a vodka tonic earlier.”

5.

“Look, I only talk to children all day so I don’t know how to talk to adults…”

4.

Steve laughed.

3.

“You want to get coffee sometime?” He said with confidence he didn’t know he could muster.

2.

“I’d like that.” Her voice was shy and she looked relieved he wasn’t completely off put by her.

1.

“Happy New Year,” she smiled at him, and he felt it. A pull, something strong that tugged at his heart like instinct. 

“Happy New Year.”

Year one. 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay thanks for reading I’m gonna go hide in a cave forever bye.
> 
> Please follow me on Tumblr at sweetlyscared, BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE OLDER THAN 18. thanks!


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